watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
