I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
