Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
