Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
