I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
