I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
