I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
