when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
