I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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