I wish I only lived at night.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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