Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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