After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
