You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
