I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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