I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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