You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
