My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
