you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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