i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If I die, sorry about rent.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
