I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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