Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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