You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I need to sanitize my soul.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
