***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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