Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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