false alarm. still invincible.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
