The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
