Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
