Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
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