mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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