party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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