I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
false alarm, still single
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
