Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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