Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
