happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
