True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
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