The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
