ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
