So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
