I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
