Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We are two peas in an std pod
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
