I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
