After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
