i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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