She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just googled if crying burns calories
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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