What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
