he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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