Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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