my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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