1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
