well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
