3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
