I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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