I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
