ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
