I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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