i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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