I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
