as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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