Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
