new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
