just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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