Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
